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As nobody knows until I’ve put this out this, I have a google chrome groups set up for things that I follow for the paper. I’ve put all the links for these fundraisers, for example, into a Chrome group that I can summon and get rid of with a click of a mouse.
The very first thing I do when I sit down to do the paper is open my “GoFundMe Stuff” Chrome group and start going through the campaigns and marking them down in my tracking XLS file. I start pretty much in order that they were added to the XLS file, so, of course, my own campaign is listed last.
So this morning, it started with Denver Metro Audits, goose egg. On to Craig Hendry, goose egg. Poor Press with Rancor gets one and hasn’t had a donation in over two months. Direct D, goose egg. Okay, okay, okay, good day so far.
Three real Chilli’s and goose eggs. Fake Chilli, goose egg. Silly Chill, goose egg. Even better. Got my attention. For Public Safety, continues the goose eggs for his campaign at 24 days without a donation. Long Island Audit 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6… ALL GOOSE EGGS.
Two left, Asselmo, dare I say GOOSE EGG? Oh yes, goose egg! That just leaves my campaign, I mean let’s face it, no one cares about that one. This is going to be a gimmie. The first day in a streak of goose eggs, all I have to do is click on the very last tab in the browser and…
You like me. You really like me.
But you like me enough to keep this column going as well, so you HATE ME. You hate everything about me! You want me to wake up every morning at 3AM, feed the cats and be tied to the desk looking at GofundMe campaigns in a column that should rightfully DIE after a week of goose eggs!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(Wondering if my microphone will cut out as I scream that when I read it for the newscast.)
This has gone from the fluff piece I use to start every broadcast and let my viewers filter in… to a nightmare of being tied to a desk and forever counting goose eggs! It’s not fair! It’s not funny! It’s endless torture that turns me into Daffy Duck crossed with Elmer Fudd!
It gives someone in Atlanta quiet time, alone with his mother’s hoover, cackling with great delight at the fact that I’m in pain yet again!
But it also means I’m touched by the fact that someone would hate me so that they’d throw a couple of bucks at me so I can continue to feed the animals, eat and keep the lights on at the paper every day.
For that, I have to say, thank you to the wonderful readers who want to punish me.
Everything is advertising.
If you’d like to become one of the wonderful readers who like to torture me and keep me writing this wretched column every morning, we do have a GoFundMe of our own located at https://gofund.me/b8144e31. All proceeds go to keeping the lights on, eating, and writing new stories to feature here and on reallycoolsite.org.
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