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Tuesday’s GoFundMe Campaigns saw a victory for our own campaign again, just an hour or so after we had declared the Grand Conspiracy TM dead. Okay, okay, we should have double checked or called in the conspiracy hotline, but we took the day with a $10.00 take. Not sure if that’s the victory to write home about but it was a victory and a thankful one at that.
Turning our attention to some of the people involved in the races who are apparently forgetting the existence of their campaigns…
Christopher “Direct D” Ruff revealed on a recent livestream that all of his sitting around during livestreams while someone else was working hard to rebuild a trailer wasn’t just an act of laziness and ego.
Instead, it was someone building him a new studio. As seen in our disastrous “Kill Me Now” Theatre last night on the All-Star Panel, Ruff has a studio of his own that looks kind of sort of pretty nice, with the typical quasi radio setup with a professional microphone on a stand, mood lighting, unique wall signage and everything to take a step up in production quality from a close-up angle.
Wide shots still reveal it’s a trailer and all the focus was put in the money shot of the up-close angle of Ruff smoking (or taking hits off of a bong), looking 90’s era “News manie” as he delivers his messages to the masses.
It’s a step up from James Freeman sitting in his car, or Regan Benson screeching as she chews gum and attempts to walk at the same time.
It’s not quite as nice as the setup for Christopher “Denver Metro Audits” Cordova, who has show he has a complete office setup with a desk facing outwards and chairs for his guests beyond his immediate reach, keeping the room a functional office.
He showed that when Freedom Jim and Direct D visited, after tricking him until being arrested in a classic troll the other month, that his office was pretty spacious for a spare bedroom in his apartment being converted into a quasi-studio.
DMA’s setup is pretty much the same as Ruff’s in function. Microphone off to the side, “cool” collection of signage and posters showing off his love for Freedom (but not America because that would be like “the man” you know), and in DMA’s case, extra lighting to show off his newly straightened teeth, stylish half goatee and attempts to sexualize himself on camera.
While DMA is obviously attempting to sexualize himself as he’s dropped the big boned girlfriend and proclaimed himself a “love god” on dating channels run by other auditors, he’s not above his prank calling program every weekend to show off that his transformation still makes him hip and cool like open to the masses ya’ll.
And, of course, DMA has yet to meet a filter.
When Jose “Chille” DeCastro was active in front of his green screen, there were always accusations that he used a filter to cover up his wrinkles and transformation over the past two years into a pudgy old man.
DeCastro’s court appearances proved the transformation was real and without his trusty filters and carefully selected angles, he had turned into a man who resembled a shorter and less green version of the animated character “Shrek” in both facial features and body style.
We’re not one to criticize as we’re a puffy doughy version of Santa Claus meets Norman Fell (allegedly), but DeCastro was unrecognizable between the photos displayed on Our Nevada Judges (taken in the early 00’s when he was about to be kicked off Power Rangers), and the man that showed up in the court room on multiple appearances now.
Though despite ego and vanity and pretend offices, none of these people compare at all to SeanPaul “Long Island Audits” Reyes when it comes to filtering and makeup.
Reyes recent CAMEO videos feature the man in videos with his sunglasses and hat covering most of his face. His beard is strangely close cropped, almost to the point of Hulk Hogan’s dreaded black beard in his NWO run in WCW as “Hollywood Hogan” if anyone wants to Google that.
He never takes the hat off on camera, but when he takes the sunglasses off, a filter instantly goes on. Generic over the top beauty filter that honestly makes him look like a baby’s face – with spray-on beard – on a giant man-sized body.
It’s startling to say the least, and probably not the best sign for the self-proclaimed greatest auditor of his generation.
On a side note, the Judge in Reyes’ case against the NYPD issued the following order on Tuesday:
ORDER The Court will hold oral argument on Defendant’s motion to dismiss, ECF No. 73 , on August 13, 2024 at 10:00 a.m. in Courtroom 11B of the Daniel Patrick Moynihan United States Courthouse, 500 Pearl Street, New York, New York. (HEREBY ORDERED by Judge Jessica G. L. Clarke) (Text Only Order) (Clarke, Jessica) (Entered: 07/02/2024)
All in all, with all the money flowing to all of these professional auditors, with real subscriber bases that dwarf our tiny little channel, piles of cash to be had and GoFundMe campaigns to ignore, it’s nice to know that they’re at least trying to look the part of real media professionals as we ponder changing our office around.
Move the desk over to the corner, put up a green screen behind it, get the obnoxious microphone stand to hide the ugly parts of our face, skinny filter on and… the video we show will be of Olive sleeping… as we are nowhere near ready to put our visage on camera.
No amount of conspiracy money will make that change. Well, just yet anyway. Where’s that stair master? And will PANTS lend us the flowbee? Hmm…
If you’d like to become one of the wonderful readers who will be contributing to my makeover while forcing me writing this wretched column every morning, we do have a GoFundMe of our own located at https://gofund.me/b8144e31. All proceeds go to keeping the lights on, eating, fixing our teeth, hair and complexion, redoing our office, and writing new stories to feature here and on reallycoolsite.org.
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