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Karen Read Day One: Turtleboy’s Crotch, Bao Arrest

by Jim
April 23, 2025
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The first day of the re-trial of Karen Read for second-degree murder among other charges had everything you could ask for: scheming defense attorneys, the crotch of a man who claims to be a turtle on prominent display, and an idiot internet live streamer getting arrested for violating the buffer zone set up to protect the participants in the case.

YouTuber Clash with Bao had been a mutually hated figure at the last version of the Karen Read trial. Often obnoxious, the veteran and YouTube live streamer found few friends as he worked his act on the crowds.

Bao has had long running YouTube show in which he displays a livestream of his own overreactions as he watches and mocks various “random” video clips taken from other YouTubers. There’s always a sense that his shows can be shut down at any moment as the sources of his videos tend to copyright strike him at key moments to end the shows.

In person, Bao had kept the act up last year, at one point carrying a boom box with him and playing random clips to strangers while feigning ignorance of his surroundings. While reporter Grant Smith Ellis took pity on him from time to time, he really made no friends in the Boston area.

On Tuesday, Bao challenged the new buffer zone around the courthouse in his own mockingly clueless style. The exclusion zone has been expanded this year to prevent protests in most of the streets around the courthouse and to provide safe passage for witnesses and participants in the trial.

Bao blundered upon the scene with his camera going an was immediately asked to leave the area by a police officer. The officer then stated that participants in the case were on their way through, and he needed to leave the buffer zone.

Instead of complying, the streamer walked to another officer on the far side of the street, further into the buffer zone. He asked what was going on and stood in place, ignoring orders to leave, before the original officer arrested him.

In typical Bao-like fashion, he left his livestream running during the arrest, as viewers heard him complain for over an hour as he was transported to the police station. His livestream continued throughout until his phone eventually ran out of power and the livestream ended.

There have been no updates as to Bao’s charges or if he’s been released from custody.

In other news, lead attorney for the Karen Read defense, Alan Jackson, inadvertently had his carefully crafted opening statement spoiled on Tuesday as the clearly visible crotch of Aidan “Turtleboy” Kearney distracted viewers throughout Jackson’s speech.

Kearney, an award-winning journalist, won a spot in the courtroom for the week in the lottery for seats in the small courtroom and took his usual spot at the end of he row of journalists closest to the exit.

A controversial figure himself, Kearney is facing witness intimidation charges for his alleged involvement with accused murderess Karen Read and must leave the courtroom when various witnesses who have protection orders against him are set to testify.

On Tuesday, he slumped in his chair and manspread in his typical pose, alas, directly over the shoulder of attorney Jackson. Jackson, who was the subject of rumors over an alleged affair with defendant Read, was essentially upstaged by Kearney, who has an alleged crush on alleged murderess Read, in a display of what observers called who could be the bigger cock of the walk in the courtroom.

While placement prominence may have worked in Kearney’s favor, observers on rival Kate Peter’s Discord server were quick to make allegations that Kearney had artificially inflated his pants as he knew he’d be showcasing “himself” on the national news.

Kearney has yet to comment on the growing incident dubbed “Crotchgate.”

We’ll provide updates after bleaching our eyes as the Karen Read redux continues on Wednesday.

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Jim Finch is a cranky old bastard.

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