A single stinking donation to SeanPaul “Long Island Audit” Reyes’ “Support the Fight Against Tyranny & Corruption!” fund ended our possible string of goose eggs as a $10.00 donation took the day.
We were high on this one, with a total blanking on Wednesday leading into high expectations for another day of goose eggs for Thursday’s take.
I mean, there we were, with hope in our eyes. Seven days of goose eggs means the retirement of this column and we’re free to go back to enjoying the loveless life of 4AM scrambling for something to start the paper and newscast off while people are filing in or just starting to wake up.
We had ONE DAY where no one cared to donate to anything, ONE GLORIOUS DAY, where we were free of the burdens of having to announce a winner who wasn’t us or cover up when we did have the win because it was otherwise CREEPY. But still!
It was a day we were prepared to rant about and embrace the joy of a day devoted to the holy goose eggs… when a tree fell on the power lines down the road, delaying our celebration for several hours and killing any chance of getting the paper out in time to do the mighty goose egg dance as we read the results for the newscast!
The dance is simple. You improvise everything, much like I improvise this column every morning between 3am and 5am, and you try not to knock anything valuable over in the office as you can’t afford to fix it right now. Donations welcome.
So after a day of frustration, of not being able to do the dance, we sit down with our ever expanding list of semi-dead crowd funding campaigns and we wait. Starting from the bottom, our own campaign is dead again (spamming thank yous scared off our hate donor for the day), nothing in the usual smaller accounts, LIA 1, LIA 2, LIA 3, LIA 4 … and. @#$@#@#@#$@#$@##@$@#$.
Comic strip censorship of swear words translates to “FOUL FILTH FELK FART MORTON DOWNEY JR.” when read on this program.
I can use it multiple times with multiple characters, but it’s always going to come out as, “FOUL FILTH FELK FART MORTON DOWNEY JR.”
I guess I could get PANTS to record something funny to fill in for my saying it, but would it be the same, people? WOULD IT BE THE SAME.
So here’s to you, LIA, for taking in your $10.00 and winning the day. Congratulations to you sir, and “FOUL FILTH FELK FART MORTON DOWNEY JR” to the rest of you.
I’m going back to bed.
But first, if you’d like to join our personal union of hate watchers who are apparently on strike but previously forced us to write this column every morning for the past god knows when, we do have a GoFundMe of our own (https://gofund.me/b8144e31). All proceeds go to keeping the lights on, eating, and writing new stories to feature here and on reallycoolsite.org.
